HOW TO WRAP A PRESENT WITH THE HELP OF YOUR CAT
- Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
- Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
- Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
- Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
- Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
- Go to drawer and collect sellotape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
- Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
- Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
- Remove present from bag.
- Remove cat from bag.
- Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
- Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
- Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
- Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore paper.
- Cut 2nd sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
- Place present on cut-to-size paper.
- Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
- Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting sellotape.
- Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove sellotape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
- Seal paper down with sellotape, making corners as neat as possible.
- Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
- Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
- Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
- Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
- Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for paper.
- Put present in box, and tie down with string.
- Remove string, open box and remove cat.
- Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
- Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
- Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
- Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
- Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with sellotape.
Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
- Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
- Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
- Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
- Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
- Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt,
making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
- At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt
at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
- Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the shop to wrap the things for you.
